my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
