My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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