i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize