if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
