I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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