I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Someone came in the potted fern
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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