I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
