Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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