Your dad touched me again.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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