I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
we're making bets on your personal life
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
