i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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