I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
