I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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