If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
