I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
