i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
