I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
