I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
