Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
