So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sorry about my life...
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
