I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
