Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
