went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
