I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
