Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize