Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
