so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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