dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
everyone is single if you try hard enough
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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