Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
