you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
