I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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