What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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