I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
