im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
