he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
