I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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