It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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