no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize