when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
