This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
