I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize