this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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