I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
