sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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