I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize