How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
