Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize