You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
