I think my vagina is haunted
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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