you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
