Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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