what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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