I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
