I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
