well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
