You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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