proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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