I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
