he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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