woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize