Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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