It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
