he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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