i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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